Quooink!
by PeteStump
Summary: THE NEXT LONG AWAITED STORY! Bella is having dreams about creatures called Quooinks. What happens if they come true? HUMOR FIC! Lexiconers: Once again, I am PeteStump. Also, you think the last ff was random...this ones worse...R&R!


MWHAHAHA! ANOTHER ONESHOT COMEDY! I'm starting to lke writing these...I might do another...if I get enough reviews on this one. (Hint, Hint)

Anyways, much thanks to Kara, Sera, Lhia, Freesia, Taxi, and Tori for being loyal servants to the very evil Bob.

And then being killed.

I also want to warn you that is one is just as--if not more--random then the last. Be prepared.

And thanks to Freesia again, for beta-ing.

And once again, This is a HUMOR FIC! I don't care about how OOC it is. And, Emmett lovers, don't hate me.

NOTICE: There is more stuff hidden in this one shot! No one seemed to get the last one, so I thought I'd try again. This time, IT IS NOT LYRICS. The line is from a very famous book, and if you don't get it, you're a moron. No offense. But you would be.

P.S. The last one had the lyrics to a Gorillaz song, 'Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head.' The line was 'Innocent on the litany and excess of violence that was growing in the forests.' The line in the Gorillaz song is 'Here they played out their peaceful lives, innocent on the litany and excess of violence that was growing in the world below.' It was hard, but I though _someone_ would have gotten it. But this one is easier.

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight, nor have I ever. I do own the Quooinks. Don't sue, the Lawyer-Phobia has given me only a month to live.

I do not own , nor have I ever. I do own the Quooinks. Don't sue, the Lawyer-Phobia has given me only a month to live. I do not own , nor have I ever. I do own the Quooinks. Don't sue, the Lawyer-Phobia has given me only a month to live. 

Okay, I'm done talking.

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**QUOOINKS!**

Bella sat up in bed and gasped. Edward, who had been sitting in his usual spot, right on the rocking chair in the corner, looked over at her.

"What's wrong?" he asked her. He didn't have to whisper, thank God, because Charlie was away on a fishing trip.

"A bad dream," she said, knowing Edward had understood what the dream had been about.

"Same one?" he asked, checking. "About the quooinks?"

"Yes," she sighed, "same one. I really don't understand it. I mean, quooinks don't even exist! How did I even think up such a thing?" she asked, frustrated. Though the dream had seemed so _real_, she just couldn't comprehend it.

"Bella," he said, "_you _didn't think it up, your subconscious did."

"Same thing," she muttered.

"No, Bella, not the same thing. You weren't fully conscious when you thought it up. You didn't have any control of your thoughts, it just happened," he said, trying to comfort her. As silly as it was to him, he knew the dream bothered her. He hadn't even witnessed the dream, so no matter how hard he tried to picture it, he couldn't, but still, though she had described every detail to him, the thought of a quooink killing someone was . . . absurd, ridiculous, impossible, just plain . . . silly. There was no such thing as a quooink, and even if there was, there was no way an animal like _that_ could possibly harm someone. Absurd.

"It was all so real, Edward. Everything, I mean, I just stood there, not able to move, while you jumped off of a cliff! All because of them!" she confessed, dropping her head down, and blushing a little.

Edward was shocked. He had never known this part of the dream before. She always had told him it was a nightmare with quooinks, and that Edward got hurt, but she had never before told him exactly what happened. Edward had assumed that what she had said was all that she knew, but now he wondered what else she was keeping from him about her strange dream.

"Does anything else happen?" Edward asked.

"Well, they attacked us while we were in my room, talking just like this, and they tried to kill us," Bella explained, "And we ran, but they found us, and . . . well . . . you jump off the cliff," she finished, a sad tone to her voice.

"Is that the end of the dream?"

"Yeah."

"Bella, you know I can't die from falling off a cliff, right?" Edward asked, laughing. "Besides, quooinks don't exist."

"But it was all--" Bella started, but a large crash coming from her window interrupted her.

"What the--" Edward started again, but suddenly there was another large noise, and the entire front wall of Bella's bedroom was ripped out, and thousands of quooinks ran through the opening.

"Oh my God!" Edward shouted, fighting off as many quooinks as he could.

"But-but it was just a dream!" Bella shouted. "They're not real!"

But they were indeed real, as Bella and Edward were witnessing now. Hundreds of them were storming in, attacking them. But fortunately, Edward was much bigger, and was able to fight them off, grab Bella, and jump out the front of the house. He ran over to the Cullen's house, and sat Bella down on the couch in the living room. Then, as Esme had done the night James had attacked, he programed the metal sheets to cover the giant glass wall.

"Oh my God!" Edward shouted again once he was finished.

"I never expected them to be like _that_! They're so weird looking!"

"Edward," Bella replied, "What did you expect them to look like?"

"Well . . . I mean . . . They just . . . " he trailed off.

"You mean, since I said they were one third cow, one third duck, and one third pig, you thought it was going to be a giant pig with wings and cow-colored skin?" she laughed.

"No, I . . . " he denied, then realized Bella could see right through the lie. They hadn't looked _anything_ like he imagined. They were small, no more than twenty inches tall, with a cow-like body with duck feet, a pig-like tail and nose, and black and white feathers covering its whole body. But Its teeth were the most weird. They had duck beaks, but their duck beaks were filled with teeth, like giant three inch bat fangs. _Almost, _Edward thought, _like a vampire's were supposed to be._

"Bella, your dream is coming true. Do you know what this means?" he asked, panicked.

"But--but you said you couldn't die from falling off a cliff!" she shouted.

"I can't Bella, but from what you've said, more things start happening. Now, _what else happens in the dream?_" he asked, perturbed at the fact that she didn't understand the dangers of the situation.

"Well, they--" she started again, but the quooinks interrupted. Again.

They broke down the door, barging in single-file, and angered look on each of their very odd faces. Bella immediately started calling for the rest of the Cullens to help them, completely forgetting that they were away on a hunting trip. She quickly remembered and shut her mouth, but then realized that they had just all been hunting two days before they left for this trip. _That's odd,_ she thought, _don't they only need to hunt every two weeks or so?_

"Edward," Bella shouted over all the horrible screeching noises the quooinks were making, "How often do vampires have to hunt?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Edward shouted back, still fighting the quooinks off of Bella and himself.

"Just answer!"

"About every two to three weeks!" he replied.

"And when did they last go hunting?" she asked.

"Two days ag . . . " he trailed off, realizing why she had asked the question.

"And Charlie's away, too!" Bella screamed, on the verge of tears.

"Bella, we have to get out of here!" Edward yelled, scooping her up and running out the door into the forest.

They ran as far as Edward could go without tiring. When Edward finally stopped, Bella screamed.

"What?" he asked, bewildered.

"Edward, look where you are!" Bella shouted, crying now.

"What?" he asked again, still bewildered.

"The cliff!" she shouted, louder than before.

He remembered what Bella had said about the cliff, and what had happened there. He picked Bella up, and tried to run, but he couldn't.

"Bella! I can't use my legs!" he yelled, panicked.

"Edward!" Bella screamed, realization hitting her. "The quooinks! They can control people's minds and bodies!"

"What?"

"Think about it, Charlie went on a fishing trip, your whole family is away hunting, even though they just hunted, and you can't move! They are controlling everyone! They're keeping Charlie and your family away so they can get to us!" she yelled.

"You're right! But what do we do!"

"I don't know! First we need to find out what we did to them! Have you done anything to the quooinks?" she asked.

"No! I've never even seen one before! Have _you_ ever done anything?"

"No! Wait . . . Oh my God!" she screeched.

"What?"

"Yes, I did! Oh my God! I used to have this imaginary friend! When I was six or seven! Her name was . . . Bob, I think. Anyway, one day I decided I was too old for an imaginary friend, and I said to go away and never come back, and that I'd find a new best friend." Bella explained. "I just can't believe she was actually real."

"But why now? Why is Bob coming to get you now?"

"Oh my God," Bella whispered.

"What?" Edward said again.

"You're my new best friend," Bella said.

Edward laughed. "I was under the impression we were more than that," he laughed.

"No, Edward, I'm serious. When I told that to her, she got furious, and she said that the next best friend I got she would kill."

"But, didn't you have friends in Phoenix? What about your mom? You said you were close to her."

"Edward, yes, I am close to her, but not as close as I am to you. Bob was my best friend, The only person I could talk to. And the only person that has ever come close too how much I loved her was you. Actually, I love you a lot more. So, I guess Bob has waited until I have found someone I love that much, and now is trying to kill you, so she can be close to me." Bella could hear the quooinks getting closer, and she tried to move again, but she was frozen.

"This is unbelievable," Edward whispered. Seconds later, the quooinks came out from the forest, with Bob in the lead. The rest of the quooinks were restless. They roared their terrible roars, and gnashed their terrible teeth, and rolled their terrible eyes, and showed their terrible claws, but Bob stepped forward.

"Quiet!" Bob shouted, and the quooinks immediately stopped.

"Why, Bob," Bella pleaded.

"Why? Because you left me, Bella. You said you would just find a new friend. You left me alone, and heartbroken. And now, I'm going to do the same to you," she said evilly.

"I'm sorry, Bob. But please don't do this. I love Edward, don't hurt him. We can be friends again, just don't hurt him," she pleaded, crying silently.

"Oh, but Bella, I have to. You see, I never planned on killing Edward. I just plan on making him one of us. That way, you won't love him because of the way he looks, and precious _Edward_ will be so heartbroken, he'll leave Forks. I've already stared, Bella. Half the people you love are gone, and Edward's next."

Bella gasped. "Charlie?" she questioned.

"Precisely. It is so easy to lure you all. Just think it, and it happens. For example, Edward, go jump off that cliff," Bob smirked.

The dream was happening. Bella was frozen as Edward walked toward the cliff. She screamed, but she couldn't move.

"Stop, you silly girl," Bob snapped, and suddenly, Bella couldn't scream. She couldn't speak. She watched, wordlessly, as her angel jumped off the cliff, and fell out of sight.

"Now climb back up."

The next minute was excruciatingly slow, and Bella stopped breathing for it. Was he okay? Did he survive?

"Oh, of course he survived, you fool," Bob snapped. "He even told you he would."

"Kara, Sera, Lhia, Freesia, Taxi, and Tori, fetch the others," Bob commanded.

"Wait. You can read minds?" Bella asked when Bob gave her voice back.

"Of course, I can do anything with the mind. I can control it, control your body through it, read it, anything. Now stop asking ridiculous questions. Ah, here he comes," Bob smirked.

"Edward!" Bella screamed.

"Bella," Edward replied. "I can't stop them. They can control everyone's mind!"

Just then, Kara, Sera, and Lhia returned with three other quooinks, chained up. Taxi, Freesia, and Tori had Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme following behind them with a dull look in their eye, holding Emmett, who only looked half controlled.

"Oh my God," Bella screeched. She recognized the quooinks. Although they had the quooink features, they vaguely resembled people. "Charlie! Alice! Rosalie!" she screamed.

"Yes, you're stupid little friends and family. You should say goodbye to Edward, for he is next, then I'll do the others. You see, quooinks changes are a lot like vampire changes, only we can change anyone, vampire or human. Just one little bite, and then we spit on them," Bob explained.

"Do yo--"

"No, stupid fool, we do not feed off of blood. We don't eat."

"Come here," Bob commanded to Edward.

He walked forward, the same dull look in his eye that was in

the rest of the Cullens. Bob hissed, and showed her teeth.

"No!" Bella screamed, then expected Bob to silence her.

"I want to hear your cries of sorrow, not shield them up," Bob snarled.

Suddenly, Bella realized something. Emmett wasn't fully controlled. _Of course,_ she thought, _Emmett doesn't _have_ a brain! She can't fully control him! Now I just have to wait for Bob to be distracted._

Apparently, she was already distracted, because she didn't reply to Bella's thought. She immediately took action.

"Emmett! Emmett! Fight it! Fight!" she screamed, as loud as she could. Emmett took on a struggled expression for a minute, then broke free. He roared, and headed straight for Bob, grabbing her and ripping her in half. The last thing Bella heard from her was a strangled cry, and then she died. Edward woke up, as did the other Cullens, and they all--with the exception of Bella--killed every quooink in sight--except for Charlie, Alice, and Rosalie.

"You saved everyone, Emmett! You did it!" Bella ran up to Emmett, and hugged him so tightly that, if he were human, would have broken a rib. He just patted her back and chuckled.

"For once, Emmett, your brainlessness came in handy," Edward laughed.

"But what do we do about Alice, Rosalie, and Charlie?" Bella asked.

"Well, from what Bob explained, the vampire transformation and the quooink transformation are much alike, so I'm assuming they will be alike in that way, too. I'm afraid Alice, Rosalie, and Charlie are stuck like that." Carlisle explained.

"You mean I'm stuck like _this_!" Rosalie shouted.

Everyone sighed, knowing that they would never hear the end of it from Rosalie.

"I guess I can't go shopping anymore," Alice sighed.

Everyone laughed.

"On the other hand, I _can_ make you go, and you can't fight me," Alice said, an evil twinkle in her eye.

Bella gulped. This was _not_ going to be fun.

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GO REVIEW! I DON'T WRITE THESE FOR NOTHING!

I want to explain some things, but I couldn't in the beginning, for fear of giving things away.

The Quooinks came to me in a random serge of hyperness about a year ago, and while I was thinking about writing anotehr comedy, I remembered them, and said, what the heck, I'll write about them The name Quooink comes from the fact that they are one-third cow, one-third duck, and one-third pig. Quooink equals Quack plus Moo plus Oink. Get it? Quooink.

I also want to say Bob is real. Bob is a stuffed orangutan I got for Christmas two years ago. Bob is a girl, also, as she is in this story. I love Bob, and she is far from evil. She has a family, her husband, Bobbie, and their kids, Bobbie junior, a boy, and Bob junior, a girl. They are twins and I love them dearly, as do I the rest of the family.

I think that is it, and I am toying around with the idea of yet another comedy. Good idea, or Bad idea? Let me know in a review.

I am **_NOT_** insane,

:Kait, Pete, Petey, Stumpy


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